Archives for posts with tag: elderly

Roger-Sandy

By Sandra Cohen and Roger Cormier

Older people often are widowed after decades of a life together. Although each widow’s or widower’s grieving is unique, many, at first, find their life and emotions in shatters. If they seek guidance and support, they are advised that grieving eases up only after the hard work of experiencing painful feelings, letting go of the past and re-engaging in life.

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However, each grieving person’s path is different. Their emotional makeup and the nature of their lost relationship combine with consolations, discoveries and sometimes unexpected opportunities. To a newly widowed person, life may feel only sad and scary. After some grieving and connecting, it may start to feel more hopeful. Some invest more in previous interests and involvements like hobbies or volunteering. Others meet someone who becomes their new life partner.

When we are close to someone who suffers the loss of his or her spouse, it is important to impose no general judgments about their feelings, behaviors and decisions. One person may be reconciled to their loss because their partner is no longer suffering after a long, painful illness. Another may fall apart and become angry and bitter because the death cheated them and their spouse of long anticipated plans for retirement.

Occasionally a recently widowed person is attracted to and forms a deep, loving relationship with someone not terribly long after losing his or her spouse. Some of the family and friends might feel such an action was too soon in consideration of the deceased partner’s memory. Others might recognize that the newly widowed person never had a deep, close relationship with the late partner. The new pair deserves a chance to become a happy match.

Some widowed people, very engaging and enjoyable in the eyes of those who know them, always had close friends and much involvement with their family. Although they continue to share and spend time with people close to them, they also continue to miss their spouse every day for years. They could not imagine meeting and wanting to partner with anyone else compared to what they had with their spouse.

Because of our mortality, it is paramount to live every day as fully and lovingly as possible with our partners. It also is important that our life include more than just our partner’s closeness and companionship. Each person and couple work toward their unique, healthy, happy balance. When one of them is left behind by death, the bereaved person needs to work toward a new balance with understanding and support from the other people in her or his life.

 

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Roger-Sandy

By Sandra Cohen & Roger Cormier

We overheard a woman telling a friend she had literally taken a leap of faith off a platform. The friend commented that it also took faith to mount that platform because it was shaky. The literal leap may have been a bungee jump or a ride along a cable above a jungle canopy. However, we found ourselves thinking about figurative leaps of faith that may or may not be physical or visible.

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The common meaning of “leap of faith” is believing in a truth without evidence. What struck us about the leaper above is that she believed and took a risk that at the end of the bungee or cable ride her adrenaline rush would pay off in a safe and very memorable outcome.

Whatever your age and stage of life, you probably have taken leaps of faith. In fact, such leaps are what enable us to grow older rather than just get older. Whether or not your leaps were physical and dramatic, they were by definition risky because the desired outcomes were not assured. In fact, the last state could have been worse than the first.

The shaky platform referred to above struck us as much as the woman’s leap. It seems that whenever we take a leap of faith, we do so from the platforms of our lives, which always are a little shaky. Even a fairly stable life platform does not prevent our legs from shaking when we feel invited or even compelled to leap into the unknown.

As we move into 2016, it may be the right time to consider our next leap of faith. It may have to do with our work, relationships with others or with ourselves, our health, travel, encounters with nature, or a long held dream or a brand new interest.

If you have not taken a leap of faith in a while, ask yourself why. Recall the feelings and outcomes of a previous happy leap.

Choose a leap that you feel optimistic and excited about.

Gauge how much resolve you feel and how much encouragement and support you need. Get feedback and backing from someone who is familiar with the shakiness of your platform and will celebrate with you when you land.

If you feel more like a procrastinator than a risk taker, accept the side of you that may feel like postponing your leap, but affirm the side that wants to move ahead and broaden your world.

Take one leap at a time. Get familiar with your changed world before taking your next leap.

Whatever your age and current attitude and outlook, as you entertain a possible leap of faith, remember the exhortation: Do what you have to do, with what you have, in the time you have, in the place you are.

Happy leap and happy landing!

Roger-Sandy

Sandra J. Cohen and Roger Cormier

As we grow older, we hope to grow wiser. One of life’s lessons, that two heads (or hearts or souls) are better than one, remains important in later life. These examples suggest the many wise ways we can grow by putting our heads together at any age:

-Life partners: Why do we tend to match up for life with someone who is so different from us? After infatuation comes the hard work of building a relationship with some-one whose personality and idiosyncrasies, and perhaps to some extent values, often conflict with our own. What a relief it is when we discover that compromising with or even adopting some of our partner’s perspective can add to the quality of our life. This can be helpful in countless ways from hanging pictures on a wall and choosing vacation destinations to handling adversity and opening ourselves to life’s simple joys and deepest mysteries.

"Just married"

“Just married”

-Family: An old saying reminds us that we can’t pick our family. We are born into it. From sibling rivalry to differences in chosen values and lifestyle, most of us are closer to some family members than others. Whether we’re best friends or have contact only at family events, we can learn from each other in matters of cuisine, culture, career, child rearing, politics, hobbies, retirement planning and more.

In families, there are ties that bind. Families often come together out of common love for an older relative to make difficult elder care decisions. Blending diverse perspectives and concerns often leads to mutual enlightenment, a truer picture of the elder’s best interests and more successful decisions.

-Friends: There is no deadline for forming and nurturing friendships. Many older adults have lifetime soul mates and continue to make friends at advanced ages. How do your friends complement your interests and needs? How often do you visit or communicate by phone, e-mail or mail? How much untapped potential is there for encouraging, advising and entertaining each other?

Friends come and go throughout our lives. Many people in their 80s and 90s have lost, in many cases outlived, most of their friends as well as families. Yet they sometimes welcome new friendships as if there were no tomorrow. As we often hear, all we really have is our present moment.

Memories by definition are from our past, and anticipation reminds us of our uncertain future. Friends can share some of our memories and aspirations, but more importantly, they can engage us today. They can help fill us up, go the extra mile or rest in the shade. They can help make us whole and receive what we have to give. The same is true for family and life partners, as well as people we work with or serve. Two sets of heads, hearts and souls are better than one.

Star Guides Sandy Cohen, R.N., Roger Cormier, M.A.

“Finding your own way to grow older”

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By Sandra Cohen, R.N., and Roger Cormier, M.A.

  What image do you have of aging? What is your attitude toward your own aging? Do you have expectations or plans for your later years? Or is it something you just don’t manage to think about?

    Living one’s aging is as individual as every other stage of life. But following are some factors that seem to affect many people as they approach and live through their later years:

  · Values and goals. We create our unique blends of interests and activities. Often, one value shapes a life. Some love their work so much that they never retire. Others love interaction with their family above all else. Still others structure their life according to their religious beliefs and affiliation or a single passion like music or environmental preservation. The blend can change as values and circumstances change. For example, someone forced into retirement by disability might discover a passion for painting outdoor scenes.                                                                                                                

  · Unfulfilled dreams. Responsibilities, narrow vision or timidity may keep us from going after a long held dream. When we reach our fifties, many of us become more aware that our  lifespan truly is limited. Some of us make big    changes to follow our heart while we still can. For example, one of our colleagues gave up her business and personal possessions to act on her long held dream to serve the people of a small nation in the Pacific Islands. Now, after more than ten years, she has returned to the U.S. to be closer to her family and to start another business.

  · Loss and renewal. Think of elderly people you know. They have lost some beloved people and their health and abilities have declined. Some of them have grieved their losses and joyously reengaged their lives. Others may have become bitter and disengaged. The way you handle loss now is likely the way you’ll respond to it in your later years.

  · Support system. Whether we rely on many, few or just one other person for day-to-day support, it’s important to believe that there are others who can enter our lives and make a difference. This conviction is important as our lives change in old age.

  · Spirituality. Amidst the ups and down of living, we hunger for inner connection and peace. These values, like all else in life, ultimately are gifts. There is no more important way to live now and to prepare for later years than by making time now to open ourselves to our inner strength, promptings and consolation. Daily time in a quiet corner, garden or other sacred space can put us in touch with what’s old, new and timely as we move through our changing lives.

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  Sandy and Roger continue providing seniors and boomers advice, resources and inspiration on this blog which takes over from their “Growing Older” column prized by countless readers since 2003. Sign up below to receive our free blog posts. Contact us about our blog at starguide4growingolder@gmail.com or 510-457-1098. Your comments about the blog are welcome!